Ruined Read online

  She tugged on my arm and I followed, lost in a haze. The movement of my legs and the warmth of her touch barely registered, along with the feel of her hand slipping into my front pocket in search of the keys. Like a child, I allowed her to stuff me into the passenger seat, and was vaguely aware of the squealing sound the tires made against the pavement as she peeled away from the curb.

  We drove for several miles. I wasn’t paying attention to the direction. North. South. It didn’t matter. I was too busy staring at my hands. Hands that were covered in blood and to blame for the pain and suffering of so many. I’d lost count. Until February in my eighteenth year, I’d kept a running total. The number of poor bastards who had been unfortunate enough to wander into my path. They were the horrible and the violent. Sick and twisted… But they were humans whom, as Sam pointed out, I had no right to judge.

  “Pull over,” I said, looking up from my bloodstained hands.

  “Pull over? Where?”

  “Now,” I snapped. The sound rattled around in the small space, making Sam flinch. The car listed hard to the left and stopped a few seconds later. I couldn’t get out fast enough. Air. I needed air. I stumbled several feet from the door, doubling over and bracing myself against a nearby pine tree. My pulse thundered as the blood rushed through my veins.

  Sam came around the front. “Jax?”

  “I liked it, Sammy,” I said with as much control as I could muster. Turning to face her now wasn’t an option. “It made me happy. I took more pleasure than you can possible imagine from making him bleed.”

  She didn’t answer right away, and when she did, her tone wasn’t sharp or disgusted like it should have been. It was soothing. Forgiving. “Funny. You don’t look very happy right now.”

  I straightened and pushed off the tree. A single step and I sank to my knees.

  The blood on my hands would wash away but I would always see it. Each time I closed my eyes, the world turned red. How many nights had I sat in roach-infested motels, staring at a blade and wishing to hell that I had the strength to end it all? Most committed suicide long before they reached their twenties. They’d done the honorable thing. Spared the world from their particular flavor of madness and horror.

  I was a fucking coward.

  Too afraid to leave this life behind for fear of what the next held. After everything I’d done, there was no eternal peace waiting on the other side. “When I left, I made a choice to continue living—even though I knew what that would mean for others. You were right. I’m selfish, and this is the price I have to pay. There’s no happiness out there for me, Sammy. No redemption. Only endless blood and violence.”

  Sam didn’t say a word as she came around to stand in front of me. The sun was going down and the broken beam of light that shone through the trees was so bright, that it illuminated the outline of her body, making her look like angel.

  An angel standing over the devil awaiting judgment.

  “I don’t believe that, Jax. I don’t believe that there’s anyone who can’t be saved.” She pulled me close, cradling my head against her belly. “You can be saved. I can save you.”

  “This asshole behind us is getting on my nerves,” Sam mumbled.

  It was starting to get dark and we were almost back to town. She’d been complaining about the car behind us for the past ten minutes. I glanced over my shoulder. “Pull to the side and let him pass.”

  “I’m going over the speed limit. There’s no reason for him to be on my ass.”

  I checked the speedometer—she was going almost seventy—and peered into the passenger’s side mirror, squinting against the glare from the other car’s headlights. It was too close to see the plate number, but it looked like a New York plate. I was about to suggest turning at the intersection ahead when the car lurched forward.

  “What the hell?” Sam cried. “Did he just hit us?”

  This time when I glanced into the side-view mirror, I saw the car swerve around to the left. The engine revved and the car shot forward. “Shit. What the fuck is it with you and cars?” I was never getting into a vehicle with this girl again.

  She never got the chance to respond. The other car hit us again, this time on the driver’s side. The car veered uncontrollably to the right. Dirt and gravel kicked up, spraying everywhere. I turned to check on her as soon as we stopped moving, but my door swung open.

  “Out,” a deep voice commanded.

  A demon’s voice.

  My demon was surprisingly quiet. Normally when I was in danger, it grew active and unsettled, flashing its two cents in the form of gory, unwanted pictures. This time however, it had nothing to say. Typical. The fucking thing was in the way until I actually needed it. I did as instructed and Sam followed suit on the driver’s side of the car as three demons watched.

  One of them stepped forward. It was one of the demons who’d been at the cliff. Not the one who’d sent her over, but the one I downed first. It ignored me and turned to Sam. “You weren’t supposed to be a problem anymore—yet, here you are.”

  “Well, that’s me,” she said with an uneasy grin. “Trouble.”

  Another one, shorter than the first, chuckled. It stepped forward, grabbing Sam’s chin and licking its lips. “Aren’t you delicious?”

  There was no thought involved. There was Sam, and there was the bastard’s hands on her. I leaped forward with the intention of snapping every bone in the thing’s arm, but instead of the satisfying sound of crunching and an agonized howl, I got a mouthful of dirt. The demon standing to my left had swept the back of my knees. “Stay down,” it growled. “Or we’ll destroy her while you watch.”

  I could take one for sure—probably two—but three? It was possible. There was too great a risk of Sam getting hurt in the cross fire. Gritting my teeth, I remained on the ground, but stayed ready to act.

  The one from the cliff chuckled. It stepped around the car and came to stand in front of me. “I owe you,” it said. “You attacked me when I was weak. Before I’d fed.”

  “We could feed from her,” the third said. It stepped forward, long black coat swishing as it moved, and ran a finger along Sam’s arm, from shoulder to elbow. The demon brought the finger to its nose and inhaled. “I bet she’d be mighty tasty. Smell that fear. Just a touch of resilience and a boatload of sex. That’s my kind of meal.”

  The short one snorted in disgust. It wrinkled its nose and stepped away. “She’s demon touched. She’s already been tasted. I prefer my food fresh.”

  “I don’t know. Looks like she’d leave a bad taste.” the one standing behind me chuckled. “I’m not picky, though.”

  The one from the cliff growled. His stance and the way the others kept looking back to him, almost as if for approval, meant he was the one in charge. “She’s not to be touched.”

  “I don’t see what the big deal is,” the reprimanded demon griped. “She’s as good as dead. Zenak insists she’s trouble for his boy. Stupid to waste such a perfectly fine meal.”

  Trouble for his boy… I’d heard of demon hierarchy, but had no idea how it worked. These demons must report to the demon that attacked Sam.

  “But she’s full of such decadent emotions,” the one behind me said. “We could each take one little taste. It wouldn’t kill her. Not if we were careful.”

  The short one let out a snort. “You? Careful? That’s rich.”

  “This coming from the demon who plays with his food for weeks before chowing down good and proper.”

  Listening to them talk about Sam seemed to wake my own demon. The thing inside stirred, spewing scene after scene of carnage. One by one they would fall by my hand. Broken, bloody, and cold. And while I hated to agree with anything it wanted, this time we were in sync. The only problem was Sam. How to get her out without her getting cut down in the cross fire.

  Azirak flashed more images, growing impatient. Me bringing swift death to everything my fingers touched. Showered in their blood and grinning like a kid at the candy store, I stood o
ver their corpses, breathing deeply as their life force slipped into the ether.

  No. Not me. Azirak. The demon wanted me to hand over control. There was no trust between us, but I had enough common sense to recognize the situation for what it was. With Azirak in control, I’d have more of an edge.

  Still, I was worried about Sam. The demon, sensing my hesitation, flashed an image of her face surrounded my soft light flowers. Happy.

  I thought back to the way it’d pushed me to kiss her. How it spoke to her in the woods at the bottom of the cliff. It wasn’t intrigued by Sam.

  It cared about her.

  My hesitation dissipated. I let myself fade, giving the demon the reins. The transition was smoother than usual. Like simply stepping aside on a crowded sidewalk to make room for someone else. For the first time, I felt everything as though I was still in control. The movement beneath my feet as the demon started to react. The electric sense of excitement bubbling in my chest. Maybe because, for the first time, we wanted the same thing. We were the same instrument in a task we both believed in.

  I became a vessel of destruction. And even though it was still bound by the limitations of a human body, the swath of chaos Azirak cut was nothing short of devastating. It flew across the hood of the car, mowing down first the demon that laid its hand on Sam’s arm. The enemy bared its teeth, hunched and ready to pounce, but Azirak was much too fast. A powerful uppercut to the jaw and the thing flew backward. My own body followed the momentum of the blow and we landed together in a heap. Fingers I vaguely recognized reached for an enemy throat. The skin tore easily, flecks of red exploding in every direction. The entire thing took no more than five seconds. Six at best.

  Time for the next.

  By the time Azirak tore through them, all three were dead, nothing more than piles of skin and gore, and Sam had fallen to her knees. Her eyes were wide and fixed on the first demon to go down. The one that had touched her.

  At the sight of her, the demon relinquished control and I fell to my knees in front of her. “Sammy? Can you hear me?”

  She nodded, silent. I reached across to take her hand, moving slowly because I was afraid to spook her. When my fingers wrapped around hers, she blinked and turned. “We’re okay,” she said. Her voice was shaky, and she was crying.

  “We’re okay,” I confirmed, helping her off the dew-wet grass. “Let’s get you home.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Sam

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” It was the fifth time he’d asked, and even though I kept insisting everything was fine, I wasn’t so sure. I sat curled on Kelly’s couch with a lukewarm cup of coffee. It didn’t smell the least bit inviting, but holding it was keeping my hands from shaking.

  Chase had left me four messages, worried after dropping me off at the apartment last night. He apologized multiple times about the almost-kiss and begged me to return his call. I left him a voice mail to let him know I’d be staying at Kelly’s, warned him I was pissed about the information he’d kept from me about Rick, and settled down to let everything sink in.

  The things I’d seen today would stay with me for the rest of my life. Jax’s expression as he hit that man in the alley. Over and over. Then, the contrast of revulsion mixed with remorse and agony when we stopped by the side of the road. As for the rest, I refused to think about him tearing apart those other men. Demons. Not men. Still, it didn’t make the carnage any easier to watch. It didn’t matter what they were on the inside. On the outside, they looked like people.

  “I’m okay. Today’s just been…” I shrugged. “Hard. Today’s been hard.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, stalking the room from end to end. He’d been jittery since we’d left the field. Twitching and energized like someone had plugged him into an outlet. “I tried so hard to keep you away from this part of my life, and in the end, you ended up in deeper.”

  I set down the cup and grabbed hold of his hand as he passed. “Sorry? You saved my life, Jax. This thing that attacked me at school isn’t going to give up. The car, the cliff, tonight in that field… You made me see the truth. You had my back. Just like always, you had my back…”

  The truth about him had thrown me for a loop, but in the end, it didn’t change damn thing. I wasn’t sure what kind of person that made me, and I didn’t care. He might be a demon, at least in part, but he was still the same Jax I’d known my whole life. It hurt when he left, but I did understand it now. He was still the same infuriating, cocky shithead I loved. The one I’d always love.

  “I shouldn’t be here.” He looked like he wanted to turn and run, but surprised me by coming closer.

  “Because you’re dangerous? Didn’t you hear me? You saved my life. For a guy who’s all supercharged and shit, you don’t have a firm grip on reality, do you?”

  He was quiet for a moment. When he did speak, his voice was low and deadly. “Do you think it’s the best idea to piss off a hungry demon?”

  I ignored him. “Explain to me how you’re dangerous.” I stood and took another step—the last step—until we were nose to nose. He’d washed away the blood and gore and was standing in front of me as though at any moment he’d bolt. “Is it because you saved my life at the bottom of the river? Or maybe it was because you propelled yourself from the top of a cliff to keep me from getting crushed or drowning. Is that how you’re dangerous?”

  He made a noise deep in his throat and tried to back away, but I held tight to his wrist.

  “Oh. I know. It’s because you charged a group of demons who were probably going to kill me in some horrible, Hollywood-worthy epic way, and again, saved my life.”

  “I want you to hate me,” he said, voice dropping to barely a whisper. “In fact, I need you to.”

  So much pain, and all I wanted was to take it away. He’d always been my rock, but I realized in that moment, he was just as fragile as me. “I would do anything for you, Jax—except that. Not ever. I can’t.”

  “I can’t control this thing inside me.” His eyes were on mine, but it was almost like he was staring straight through. He brought his hand up, twisting it to the light as a tremor went through him. No hint of the fight remained, but it was like he was staring down at the most vile thing on earth. “I’m covered in blood. My entire life is covered in blood…”

  I took his hand and yanked it from the light. Without commenting, I swept my fingers across his cheek and down the line of his jaw. The muscles tightened beneath my touch.

  He pulled away and took a step back. “Either you’re too stupid to see the truth, or you have a death wish. The demon inside? I need to feed in order to retain any kind of control.” He stepped forward, drawing himself up. “Did you see how I fed it, Sammy? I inflict pain and misery and violence. I induce fear and rage until there’s nothing else left.”

  I stood my ground, refusing to let him see that his words had an effect. “I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to be you, or that what I saw tonight wasn’t scary as hell. I won’t stand here and tell you that it’s okay or that I understand what’s going on. I do have faith in you, though. I know the truth, Jax, and I’m not disgusted or angry.” I looked him in the eye. “I’m not afraid of you.”

  “You should be. Azi—I—we—I shouldn’t stay. That’s why I need you to be stronger. I need you to hate me. Tell me to get the fuck out.”

  I’d only seen him like this once before. When he was fourteen and I was thirteen. Two of the guidance counselors at school had accused him of lighting the locker room on fire. Jax insisted he didn’t do it, even providing an ironclad alibi, but they didn’t care. He was just the easiest to blame.

  He took their punishment and accepted blame in the same angry silence people later came to expect from him, but that night he’d broken down. I remembered his voice, so close to breaking. So full of pain. So lost…

  “It’s okay.”

  He shook his head and stumbled away, strands of dark-brown hair whipping back and forth in his eyes. “It’s no
t. I shouldn’t be around you for so many reasons, but ever since I killed those fuckers in the field, my head’s been full. Buzzing. Like white noise with a kick.” His head rose and his eyes met mine. “I’ve tried to push you out of my head and out of my life but you just won’t fucking let go!”

  He sank to the rug like a stone, head falling forward into his hands as another shudder went through him. I followed him down, urging his face up. “It’s okay,” I repeated.

  “Killing those things did something to me. I’ve never killed another demon before. They gave me something extra. Something I don’t normally get from just kicking the shit out of a human.” He didn’t look away.

  The torment in his expression was like a vise around my chest, squeezing all the air and leaving nothing but pain.

  “It’s like the most amazing high,” he said, his eyes wide. “And I know it’s wrong, but it makes me feel like maybe I could… Just once…”

  And he was on me. Warmth engulfed every inch of my body as his large frame covered me. His hands were everywhere. Calloused palms and needy fingers slipping beneath the hem of my shirt and into the waist of my jeans. Rough nails scraping bare skin hard enough to send a jolt of excitement, but not enough to draw blood.

  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should put an end to this, at least until things were squared away. But the memory of that earth-shattering kiss in the car earlier was too strong. I wanted to feel that way again. To capture the spark between us and lock it away, safe, from the mess that had taken over our lives.

  A trail of volcanic kisses, from the base of my chin and down to my collarbone, stole the thought from my mind. There was so much passion. So much need. This was more than desire. This was a connection. Something we desperately needed right now.

  “So perfect,” Jax mumbled into the hollow of my throat. The slightest pinch as his teeth grazed the skin, and I couldn’t help the small noise that escaped my lips. It was more surprise than anything else, but it froze Jax in place. A moment later, a chill rushed the room as I found myself alone on the floor.