Toxic Read online

  “Listen carefully because I’m never going to repeat this. You are to stay away from all things Denazen. That means obeying the curfew Ginger has set for the hotel, staying away from all unknown Sixes, and most of all, no more stupid rescue stunts.”

  It took me a moment to find my voice. Granted, we hadn’t known each other long, but I’d never seen this side of Mom. All business with an undertone of something else. Something dangerous. “I thought it was really you. I couldn’t just stand there—”

  “Yes. You could. And next time, you will. It doesn’t matter if it’s me, or even if it’s Kale.”

  I sucked in a deep breath and held it. It’d be way too easy to say the wrong thing here. On one hand, Mom was naïve. On the other—and I loved her no matter what—I still wondered when she might snap. Living free from Denazen’s iron thumb didn’t sit as well with her as it did with Kale. She became easily stressed and moody over seemingly insignificant things. Suzie Homemaker one minute—last week she’d tried to get me to make cookies with her—then pacing the hotel room like a caged cheetah on crack the next. And her nightmares? Let’s just say we’d had the nightstand between our beds replaced three times already.

  “Why were you sitting in the dark?”

  “Seemed like a more productive use of my time than teaching goldfish to swim.”

  She tilted her head, confused.

  “I was told not to interrupt Kale and Jade.” It was going on eight p.m., and I hadn’t spoken to or seen Kale since I left him in the conference room with Jade. At dinner, Rosie left to bring them their food, cheerfully stating they were too busy to stop.

  “Oh.” Mom hesitated, fidgeting with the corner of her bedspread. “Do you want to talk?”

  “Nothing to say, really.”

  The look of relief on her face almost made me laugh. Mom wasn’t in to the whole express your feelings thing. “So I think I’m supposed to say something here.”

  “Something?”

  “About fighting?”

  “Technically, I wasn’t fighting.”

  Her expression hardened. In a single beat of my heart, she was back to danger Mom. “Cut the crap, Dez. I’m trying to be serious.”

  I sat up straight and flinched. “Ouch.”

  Her expression softened just a bit, but her voice held its hard edge. “Give me a break. I have a long way to go for Mother of the Year, and you’re not making it any easier.”

  “I’m sorry about today. It was a stupid thing to do, but I saw you and…” It was hard for me to put my feelings into words. We were several steps above being strangers, yet I loved her with all my heart. Sometimes when I caught her looking at me, expression so full of confusion and fear, I wondered if she felt the same way. “Plus I’m on edge because of this Jade thing, and—”

  “Jade thing?”

  “You know—her frigging existence? She’s all over him and…”

  “And you’re jealous?”

  “I guess so. I went from being someone special, the only person on earth he could touch, to being just like everyone else.”

  She stood. “You’re still special. That boy is crazy about you. If for no reason other than that, he’ll learn to control this. Things will be fine in the end. You’ll see.”

  I slid off the bed and pulled on my sneakers. A situation like this called for a good sulking session. Not a pep talk. “I need coffee. You want?”

  She made a face. No hot drinks. Another quirk. “No.”

  “Your loss. I’ll be back in a little.”

  I took the elevator to the first floor. Kale refused to set foot in the things, but when he wasn’t with me, I was free to use them. My feet appreciated it.

  After I’d downed one cup and fixed another for the road, I started back to the room. At the last minute, I decided to detour. The idea of sitting up there with Mom made me squirmy. Going from no Mom to all Mom, all the time, was proving to be a bit much.

  I hadn’t seen Kiernan at dinner, and when I’d texted to remind her of her promise to hang, there was no reply. She usually hit the hotel gym before bed each night. I was hoping to find her there tonight. Age-appropriate company I could bitch to over a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream sounded like a good plan. But instead of Kiernan, I found Kale.

  And Jade.

  Still in the hall, I stood off to the side so they couldn’t see me. Kale was sitting on the edge of one of the treadmills, and Jade was standing in front of him, holding out a plant.

  “It’s really all about focus and control. Clear your mind and think about the plant. Don’t over think it. Picture green and pretty.”

  Kale scrunched up his nose and cringed away. “It’s not pretty. It looks like a weed. And it smells bad.”

  She giggled. “Big baby. Just take it.”

  He hesitated but finally reached for the small pot. It didn’t escape my notice how she leaned close and let her hand accidentally skim across his knuckles.

  It didn’t escape his, either. “I still can’t get over that,” he said, looking down at his hand with wide-eyed wonder. It reminded me of the way he’d looked at me in Curd’s basement the night we met. A million different emotions swirling around, each vying for attention.

  “Touching people, you mean?”

  “It’s extraordinary,” he responded.

  Jade smiled. A beaming grin that probably would have caught the attention of any male in a five-mile radius. “Go ahead and try again. I’m letting my aura down. Keep concentrating and touch it.”

  “Letting it down?”

  “Didn’t I mention that? It’s something I can control.” She smiled, playfully punching his arm.

  Kale watched her for a moment, deep in thought. When he spoke again, his voice was nearly as dark as his expression. “You can control it? And did you let it down? The other night when I was with Dez?”

  “No!” she said quickly. “Not at all. Kale, I would never do that.” The look on his face softened just a bit, and Jade rushed on. “I know Dez and I don’t mesh, but I’d never physically hurt her. I know it would only hurt you…”

  “Okay,” he said slowly, and a part of me wanted to smack him upside the head. Really? He was going to believe her that easily? Then again, I didn’t know why it surprised me. Kale’s biggest hurdle to date was understanding when and why people told lies.

  She nodded to the plant, still in his hands. “Shall we try?”

  Finger extended, Kale touched the tip of the plant with an unsure expression on his face. For a second, nothing happened, and hope swelled. But it was quickly dashed when the leaves shriveled and turned to dust. In seconds, the only thing that remained was a small plastic pot filled with dried-up, graying dirt.

  Jade took the pot and handed him another live one. “It’s your first night. Don’t get discouraged. Try again.” She squatted so she was at eye level with him and rested a hand on his knee. “Really clear your mind. Picture green. Think about life. This is all just mind over matter.”

  Sighing, he touched the new plant and got the same results. He brushed the dust from his jeans and let the pot fall. It bounced once, then rolled away, dirt spilling from inside. “Why did Ginger pick you to help me? Your gift doesn’t need to be controlled.”

  She sighed and sat down on the weight bench across from him. “Mine doesn’t, but my little sister Gabriella is sort of like you.”

  I could see his expression from here. Shocked, and a little sad. “Like me?”

  “Sort of like you,” she corrected. “Gabi’s gift wasn’t deadly like yours is, but it was a problem when I wasn’t around. Whenever she got nervous, or scared, or angry, she would burn things. The older she got, the worse it was.” She picked up the remnants of the plant Kale dropped and set it straight. “My mom tried everyone she could—no one could help. Gabi ended up living like a prisoner, only being able to leave the house when I was with her.”

  “That’s sad.” The sympathy in his voice made my chest clench just a little. I’d bet good money h
e was thinking about Denazen.

  She shrugged and picked up a clump of dirt from one of the destroyed plants, smushing it between her fingers. “I didn’t start out trying to help her—I mean I wanted to—but I never thought I could do anything. After a while we started experimenting. I’d drop my aura and let her touch me. Her gift—and Ginger believes yours as well—is fueled by emotions. Learn to keep them in check, and you can control it.”

  “How long did it take?”

  “With Gabi?” There was a moment of hesitation. Her lips tilted downward, but I could tell it was all for show. The kind of frown you force to cover up a shit-eating grin. “Eight months.”

  “That’s a long time,” Kale said, eyes wide.

  But Jade didn’t seem concerned. “Not really. But don’t worry. I’ll be with you every step of the way. You’ll get this eventually.”

  “Hey,” I said. Coffee still warm in my hands, I stepped into the room. Watching them from the hall felt weird. Like I was doing something wrong. Plus I didn’t want to hear anymore about Jade’s sad, pathetic family. I wanted no part in feeling sorry for her.

  “Dez.” Kale’s face brightened instantly. He stood and crossed the room in three fluid steps, stopping a foot or so away.

  “Needed coffee.” I waved the cup. “Just thought I’d see how things were going.”

  Without taking his eyes from me, he pointed to the door. “Go away now, please, Jade. I want to be alone with Dez.”

  Jade’s face turned scarlet. Poor thing didn’t know what to say. Here she was, pouring her bleeding heart out, trying so hard to make a connection, and he boots her. Kale wasn’t trying to be rude; he just didn’t know how to pad his requests with polite. In this case, it was some serious win.

  She wiped the annoyance from her face and flashed a sugary smile as she passed. “Don’t get too close. I’m going upstairs.”

  “I really don’t like her.” I closed the door with a snap and slid down the wall.

  Kale did the same—only several feet away. My brain knew he was worried about hurting me. Emotionally, though, all my heart felt was the sting of rejection.

  “Tell me why.”

  I stared at him. “Are you serious? She’s just waiting for the chance to jump you.”

  His eyes widened. Expression serious, he leaned forward. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

  “Well, yeah. She can—”

  He chuckled and scooted just a little closer. “That’s ridiculous. She has no training.”

  Training? For crap’s sake. Sometimes I wanted to beat my head against the wall when talking to Kale. “That’s not what I meant.” I shook my head. “Ya know what? Never mind. How do you feel?”

  “You’re referring to my fight with Alex.”

  I nodded. “And it looked like you dinged your head pretty hard in the van.”

  “I’m fine.” He thought about it for a moment. Flexing his arm, he said, “I would have been burned for that at Denazen.”

  My stomach turned. “Burned? For what?”

  “Before the van. My fight with Alex. As punishment. Those of us who misbehaved were sometimes forced to hold scalding metal to our skin.”

  I wanted to throw up, but I refused to let him see it affected me. One of the reasons he kept most of his time with Denazen a secret was because he didn’t want to upset me. I was determined to prove I could handle it.

  “Losing control is not something they allow.” He gave a small laugh. “I’ve never felt like that before. I’m trained to be aware of my surroundings. Careful. But earlier I couldn’t see anything but my anger for Alex. It clouded everything.”

  I leaned back against the wall. “Sometimes we lose it. That’s just the way it is.”

  “No, thank you. It felt good at first, but in the end it was…”

  “Exhausting?”

  He gave me a sad smile. “Yes.”

  “Sounds about right.”

  A few moments of silence passed before he spoke again. “It won’t take that long. I won’t let it.”

  “What won’t take how long?”

  “Jade teaching me control. It won’t take eight months like it did with her sister.”

  He’d known I was there.

  Of course he did. Nothing got past Kale. “How come you didn’t say anything?”

  He tilted his head, confused.

  “You knew I was standing outside the room.”

  “You didn’t want to come in. You had your reasons.”

  “I know it won’t take that long,” I said, hoping the words sounded more convincing than they felt. “You’re brimming with control.”

  His hand twitched. “I have powerful motivation. I want to kiss you.”

  “I know how you feel.”

  “But for now, I really should avoid being near you.” Expression torn, he said, “I don’t like being this close knowing I could hurt you…but the idea of staying away is—painful.”

  I pushed off the wall and turned. On my knees, I crawled until I was sitting in front of him with my back against one of the treadmills. “Close your eyes.”

  And without question, he did. I’d seen firsthand what Kale’s skin could do. From the first moment back at Curd’s house when he’d touched a Denazen employee so we could escape, to the plant a few minutes earlier. I knew exactly how deadly it was.

  But I just didn’t care.

  “Just keep them closed.” Pulling my sleeve over the tips of my fingers, I brushed the side of his face.

  He froze. “Dez, don’t…”

  “Shh.” There was a funny tickle in my stomach. It was a monster contradiction to the painful lump in my throat. “Just pretend. Imagine it’s my fingers against your skin. Just for a little while.”

  A soft noise escaped his lips.

  My covered hand glided across his cheek and down his neck. Eyes still closed, Kale reached down and tugged at the hem of his shirt. In a fluent movement, it was over his head and clutched between the fingers of his right hand. The other was tangled in the denim of his jeans.

  I figured I’d already overdosed on Jade’s aura, making Kale’s skin painful, if not deadly, to me even when she was around, but after hearing what she said about controlling her ability, and regardless of her denial, I was sure she’d done it deliberately. According to Ginger, it would essentially reset in a few days, and until then, I had no choice but to take her word for it. But to not be alone with him until then? I couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it.

  Down the side of his neck and skimming lightly across the planes of his chest, I traced the scars there, one by one. His reaction kept me going, even though I knew I should stop. Small noises in the back of his throat, he tugged in desperation at his denim-clad leg. “Dez—”

  “Shh,” I whispered again, leaning just a bit closer than safe should allow. This is how it was with Kale. So easy to lose myself. Let all the walls down and forget about everything. He really was everything to me. My beginning and end.

  Lower and lower, I traced my way down to the waist of his jeans. A surge of adrenaline pumped through my system. When I let my sleeve slide up so I could undo the button, I knew I’d gone too far.

  11

  Kale’s body went rigid. His eyes shot open, and his hand clamped around my sleeved arm. “You have to stop.”

  He was right. Still, though, I couldn’t. An adrenaline junkie through and through, this was the ultimate high. Kale plus danger. The enticing combination short-circuited my common sense—not that I had much according to some—and made rational thought a thing of the past.

  Carefully, I gripped the tip of the zipper and pulled it down a fraction of an inch. The door wasn’t locked. I could tick off at least a half dozen names. People that hit the hotel gym before bed. At any moment, someone could walk in and find us. I’d made out in public at a few parties, but this was something entirely different. A new kind of rush that sent my heart hammering and took my adrenaline to new levels.

  “It’s okay. I—”


  In a half beat of my heart, I was on my back, and Kale was hovering just above me. I could feel the warmth radiating from his skin. Skin so dangerously close to mine.

  Shocking blue eyes stared as the tips of his dark hair tickled my cheeks. “This is dangerous,” he growled. “To push further would be insanity.”

  “I know.”

  To my surprise—and the slightest hint of something akin to fear—he didn’t move away. “But—”

  “I know,” I sighed.

  “It feels strange.” He pulled back just a bit. I could see his whole face now, not just the mesmerizing blue of his eyes. He looked confused.

  “Strange?”

  “Sometimes I can’t breathe when I’m near you. Knowing we can’t touch steals the air from my lungs. It hurts, and it’s all I can think about. But this…” He leaned in again, and a wicked smile spread across his lips. He was closer this time. I could smell the soapy remains of shampoo and the lingering scent of chocolate on his breath. “This makes me forget. It makes my head spin. Like beer.”

  Some girls might’ve been insulted at the comparison, but not me. Kale associated beer with losing control. A large part of me loved that I could do that to him. “I know how you feel.”

  “So this is what it’s like? To be a junkie?”

  I tried not to laugh when Kale said things out of context, but sometimes it was impossible. “An adrenaline junkie,” I corrected with a slight snicker. “And yeah. That, and being in love.”

  His expression sobered. “But it’s dangerous for me to lose control around you right now. The risk is far too great. It’s painful.”

  I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. “Sometimes love is painful.”

  He scrunched up his nose, brows rising slightly. “That doesn’t make sense to me.”

  “It makes sense,” I assured him. “From day one we had the deck stacked against us, but we got through. We’ll always get through. Wanna know how I know?”

  “How?”

  Until I met Kale, I had no idea it was possible to fall so completely in love with someone. To not know where they ended and you began. It was something that grew more and more with every passing day, and I knew in the deepest parts of my soul that it would continue to grow. We’d always have obstacles thrown in our path. Denazen, Kale’s past, Jade… But it would never change things. There had never been anything I was more sure of.